Match Report
Sunday 5 July –v- Graces at Peter May Centre, Walthamstow
Armed with double-entendres, and politically incorrect phrases we travelled to Walthamstow for our first meeting with the self proclaimed only Gay cricket club in the world. Expecting an afternoon's entertainment akin to 'Benny Hill', 'Carry On' and 'It ain't half hot mum' I was disappointed by the lack of stereotypical gays on show. Quite frankly it left a funny taste in the mouth. There was a singular lack of Quentin's or Jeremy's and the nearest to John Inman was our very own Glenn Timms. Several homophobic Crusaders' excused themselves from duty, although why the skipper felt the need to travel to Iran to escape confronting his feminine side, only he knows. First on the team sheet after a long absence, was Glenn Timms - draw your own conclusions; his wife has. As far as I am aware Glenn is the only Crusader to have had his 'Spam G-spot probed' by a Thai masseuse - but I firmly believe - 'what goes on tour stays on tour'
In overcast conditions Graces won the toss and elected to field. Crusaders opened up with Gary and Jagdesh and both put bat to ball efficiently to get the innings off to a good start. Glenn meanwhile had already struck up a good relationship with the Square-leg fielder - ooh missus.
With short boundaries and a fast outfield runs came at a pace and after 13 overs we had rattled along to 73 for the loss of Jagdesh (17). Graces worked their way back into the game with some good bowling mid-innings combined with the inevitable batting misdemeanours of our middle order. Gary fell attempting a pull (not sure who he was trying to pull) for a fine 33 and Nita struck a typically jaunty 25. From a strong position we fell away to 132-6, but with 13 overs remaining, still had time to compile a decent total. Damon looked disappointed that no fielders moved in close, as he had spent an eternity on hair and make-up - he is obviously ugly in the gay world as well. Timmo played an airy-fairy drive over a straight delivery (at least he was batting in context) and departed for 11 and it was left to Chand and Nomi to right the sinking ship. Both played with gay abandon (not in the biblical sense) mixing boundaries with well run singles, as the score began to accelerate. The partnership accrued a valuable 58 runs and took Crusaders close to the 200 mark. The tail wagged the final score to 213 - with only bat number 11 Danglers Moyse registering on the Gay Eye Candy Scale - allegedly described as quite cute.
Tea was a sparse affair.
Moysey opened from the far end, choosing to avoid arousing the opposition's waiting batsmen, with the sight of his sweet cheeks jiggling up and down during his run-up. We would not want to be accused of gamesmanship. While Danglers worked up into a fair lather Skipper Mike was having trouble containing the openers, who were happy to drive straight through the line. Darren's pace eventually took care of both openers, bringing Silva and Mendis to the crease. It was soon apparent that both were reasonable batsmen, with Mendis looking the more technically gifted. Timmo replaced Mike and immediately tweaked a shoulder muscle - he looked anxiously for someone to offer a massage, but there were no takers. Nomi and Spud shared the middle overs, with Graces picking up a lot of quick singles, whilst never peppering the boundary. The score mounted steadily, but Graces were falling behind the required rate. Spud eventually made the breakthrough, when Silva drove straight to Darren at mid-on and then almost immediately removed the 'very vocal' Shofiq for a duck. Chand delivered his usual mix of good ball followed by bad, but did take the vital wicket of Mendis, caught by a startled Moysey at square-leg for a well played 45.
With the big guns out, Mr Taylor returned to the attack targeting some bunnies to help disguise his abysmal figures - shameful. To their credit Graces never gave up the run chase, with all batsmen happy to swing the willow - ooh err! Mr Taylor helped himself to three wickets and Slightly mopped up the tail, who certainly looked like they 'didn't like it up them'. Graces were eventually bowled out 40 runs short of target with 11 balls unused.
Post match we were treated to a trip down memory lane, as Mike and Timmo recounted youthful memories of The Alfred Hitchcock Hotel. The opposition were conspicuous by their absence.
