Match Report
Sunday 2 June –v- Brasted Invicta at Valence School
The absence of the usual correspondent, allegedly spending more time with his family but more than likely trying to avoid further litigation in the ‘Fatarsegate’ affair , means that the task of libelling as many people as possible in a match report falls to me .
The match started with something that, if true, clearly warrants the attention of Mulder and Scully. Rumour has it that Billy won the toss and elected to bat but it is more likely that Brasted's skipper was high on drugs and put the Crusaders in.
At this stage in the proceedings the Crusaders only had nine players, two of whom were guests. Who invited Mick and Mark is a mystery as nobody introduced them to this correspondent but Mark looked vaguely familiar from somewhere. Mick quickly worked out that Karen liked being called babe and will no doubt become a familiar sight at team briefings in the Queens Head
The mid-order collapse has now firmly taken a grip of the opening order with the usual number two promoted to number one with great effect, not! Chuckles departed early, as usual, for a resounding one run and despite some fine stroke-play, Gordon, the team's only true Aryan, soon followed for 10. The team's sometime skipper Tubby Clark followed even quicker, the victim of a zimmer, allegedly.
The middle order, thankfully, decided on a different tactic and stayed in long enough to put some decent runs on the board. The NWB, promoted up the order to show his batting abilities, did just that to great effect scoring 42 (blatant jug evasion). Ably partnered by Neil Flintstone (Fred’s younger brother) who clubbed his way to a fairly rapid 32 the score began to look more reasonable than 22 for 3.
Things, somewhat predictably, didn't last and in the twinkle of an eye the dynamic duo were back in the luxurious surroundings of the clubhouse, accompanied by the skipper who fell to a ball that floated for so long he had enough time to consider which of his repertoire of strokes to use before finally settling for the one where he misses the ball and is bowled. Mick somehow managed to avoid joining the long list of debutante ducks by scoring 9. Just where are Mulder and Scully when you need them for Christ's sake?
Demoted to the tail on the basis that he would open the bowling, the lithesome Steve Lewis and the unclaimed Mark, set about creating a reasonable target. Mark went on to score a much needed 54 whilst Steve , clearly troubled by his involvement in the ‘Fatarsegate’ affair , gradually warmed to the task, just in time for Billy to declare some 40 minutes early on 181 for 7 .
With only 9 players to organise the skipper took the unusual step of placing them all, bar the bowler, within 20 yards of the batsman and opening with NWB who, you may remember, was promoted up the batting order in preference to his bowling. The only Drifter in the team, the ever slimmer Steve Lewis, took care of the bowling duties from the toilet block end. Pert of buttock he may be but there was no way that Steve was going to engage in any of that ball chasing lark. "Anything that goes behind is yours, Gordon” left no-one in any doubt of that - just as well then that Gordon was also fielding in the slips rather than at mid-off. Talking of which the skipper was thus positioned and fielded so well there that everyone but Mick , who was far too polite to mention the matter , the bowler and the keeper offered to swap positions with him but to no avail . NWB rewarded the skipper for his blatant favouritism by serving up the sort of dross usually associated with Chuckles. The run up farce became even more ridiculous than usual, with a long run up over the wicket to right handers and a short run up round the wicket to the goofy batters.
The lithe , ever slimmer , pert buttocked Lewis on the other hand bowled extremely well from the toilet block end before being pulled off prematurely after a couple of lucky strokes found there way to the boundary .
Thankfully Chris and Darren arrived during tea, with Darren driving (hence the lateness), although I doubt that Brasted's number 2 bat was pleased to see Darren. Having had four of his ribs broken by Darren in the season's opener this was his first match back. Cunningly introduced into the attack Darren, not surprisingly, managed to remove the poor fellow along with two others but not before some young chicken had blasted him for four back over his head from a slower ball. The boy just had to go and duly did, next ball. That man Mark (just who did bring him) bowled a tidy four overs taking one for five.
Gordon scotched rumours that he couldn't put two consecutive balls in the same place by bowling two wides in exactly the same place. Lulling the opposition into a false sense of security is one of Gordon's specialities (possibly his only one) and the fast ball produced a look of absolute incredulity from the batsman; on the other hand perhaps he was just surprised that the ball went straight. Who knows or indeed cares?
The Brasted innings was brought to a close on 97 by the return of NWB, bowling in the region of the stumps, ably assisted by that cruelly under used bowler Chuckles who took 1 for 0 off one over thanks to a spectacular catch by that man Mark again. It's a real shame his friends are too embarrassed to admit to knowing him.
An appearance was made by the paparazzi whose offers to join in were quite rightly ignored by both skippers even though the oppo were a man short. He eventually sloped off having managed to lure some poor, unsuspecting, young girl into his car on the pretext that he would take her home - although she clearly didn't want to go home.
Mention must also be made of the ever growing band of groupies who accompany the Crusaders. It has to be said though that playing Frisbee is no substitute for running down the embankment. Sort your lives out will you.
Everyone, except Mick, then adjourned to the Lamb to sample a fine pint of King & Barnes Sussex bitter.
