Match Report
Sunday 16 June –v- St. John & Seal at Seal Cricket Ground
The following report is penned by ‘Big Arse’ Lewis
A note from your guest reporter, before an account of the day’s events
After years of cheap jibes at the expense of many if not all members of the team. I hope to show how precise & concise reporting can be achieved.
EXCLUSIVE - THE WORD ON STREET
The whereabouts of Spad Whale has finally been confirmed; news from across the pond reveals that Spad has been in search of the finest 'Heavy Duty' cotton, for his specially designed Large Arse Jeans. These designer jeans are currently in production at the Levi factory - the Spad 801's - 801's represents the No. of Acres of cotton required to produce a pair of Spad's jeans. The map below shows the actual sightings of Spad (represented by the crosses, shame they’re not a burning) in deepest cotton pickin' country, in search for that finest twill.
Insert Map
THE GAME - I batted for a couple of overs, bad shot & out - The Return of Dark Day GAME OVER
REPORT PART TWO
The motley crew arrived at the designated meeting place, surprisingly this week it was the Queen's Head, Chislehurst. All those assembled added absolutely nothing to the conversation or atmosphere; this mood was to continue for the next couple of hours. At least the Skippers appearance immediately lifted the hung-over, hay fevered & ugly penis contingent.
At the toss, Billy chose right, probably the only correct decision made by him that day. Anyway, we batted or it could loosely be described as batting, as the team have all appeared to have shown signs of the mysterious Neil Clark Syndrome. Symptoms are -batting like Billy Webb, speaking in the manner of Billy Webb & understanding Billy Webb (perhaps, the couple of blows Neil received to his head, have gone a long way in curing him from this traumatic & highly infectious disease)
Crusaders finished up with 113 all out with NWB top scoring on 37, higher than his sperm count for the two years.
And so to tea, best part of the game/day with the expectation of the sandwiches & chips served in the Crown after the game (recipe of day from Delia Timms - Chip butty).
I digress, back to Military Medium, yet again, another puppet & puppeteer performance but who actually pulls the strings? Nobody knows. The question on everybody's lips must be can he ever take more than six wickets in an innings again & how many overs must he bowl to achieve it? It reminds me of Kapil Dev or was it Wilson, Keppel & Betty.
Skipper Billy, on the ball as usual, during one of the wicket celebrations was slightly confused as to whether (weather - Gale Warnings in sea areas Dogger, Sole and German Bite) we were batting or bowling. This goes in line with the reports that Billy can read the game as well as the rest of us can read the Chinese Literature in the Kit Bag.
To conclude, The Youth Squad are no more. Kit master, please place an order for 15 Zimmer Frames & a bag of toe nails for the Man-of-the-Match (well done sooty).
By the way........please note the branching out by one of Crusaders.
Close harmony: the long career of The Drifters — in all their incarnations — is celebrated in a three-CD box set from Rhino
Re - Match report -v- St. John & Seal 16 June
EDITORIAL APOLOGY
The editor unreservedly apologises for the ‘Sunday Supplement’ standard of journalism, you were forced to endure in the previous report. In an effort to garner a more cosmopolitan feel to the journal, it was felt that a contribution from the lower end of the educational scale would be welcome. Obviously the Comprehensive Education System, with larger classes (and bigger arses), can only do so much.
SPAD
