Match Report
Through the Winter
With Spud Whale hanging up his lucky rabbit-tail and laying to rest his double-headed-never lose the toss-coin, after the Edenbridge game, there began a winter of some uncertainty whilst the various candidates for the skippers job were assimilated. After much debate, it came to pass that no one would touch the position with a barge pole, leaving the way open for a Webb consortium takeover. The contrast in respective styles of captaincy surely could not be more obvious, with Spud's "Old School" method being replaced by the flamboyant ideals of Captain Charisma. It will certainly be interesting I fancy, seeing if Billy can ally his strong penchant for fast cars (normally centrally locking) and available young thatch, to the more diverse requirements of the role. Rumoured to have "More gash on the go" than his aggregate runs of last year, it is quite possible some of his womanising antics might need to take a back seat.
Returning after a year feeding the world, although neglecting to self nourish came Biafra Moyse. Despite being forced to survive some times for days on end, purely on home produced ale and dried leaves, he appeared none the worse for wear during pre season nets, working up a fair pace down at Waterfront. For Moist to become an important cog in the Crusader machine, it will be vital that the new skip can harness his raw talent and channel it away from an unhealthy obsession with genital fondling.
Replacing Moysey on a seasonal sabbatical goes Johnny Chuckles, taking time out to study the laughing patterns of hyenas and their effects on modern Cricket. The rest of the squad remain unchanged from the previous season, with the New Knob looking forward to dealing with the off field tantrums of Darkie Paine, the childish lack of respect of Slack Timms and a general lack of ability from just about anyone else you care to mention.
GOOD LUCK BILL - YOU WILL NEED IT
In our traditional opener at Brasted, Bill was immediately forced into some early decision making after a successful call. From then on that well honed side inherited from the Whale Years, gave the nob an easy baptism at the helm of the ship. Darkie and Rhino gave us a sound start on an unpredictable wicket, with the timing of the ball proving more difficult than coping with anything that Brasted’s attack had to offer. Mark was first to fall attempting a home run over mid-off and this brought the enigmatic talent of Duckie Schultz to the middle. In seven years as captain Gord had remained one of the only players to consistently underachieve in Spud’s sides. Almost immediately it appeared that the shackles had been removed as Gord raced to a chanceless maiden fifty, featuring strongly in a stand of 130. Steve eventually fell to an unlikely catch from Captain Caveman, when he had appeared well set to complete a third club century. In the search for quick runs the new nob picked none other than himself and the hushed crowd were treated to a first hand look at the charismatic one. After playing down the "corridor of uncertainty" on several occasions, he eventually redeemed himself with a swatted six over square-leg. Bowled comprehensively attempting to repeat the dose, Billy promptly closed the innings at 175-3.
Brasted’s response was typically cautious against accurate bowling from Lardy and Darth. After seventeen overs and the pair producing as much penetration as Lionel Blair, Webby turned to spin. He was rewarded with a breakthrough from the rarely seen Steve Davis, whose unusual spiralling run up baffled the more fluent of Brasted’s openers. There followed one of the more alarming collapses, as the rest of the line-up crumbled for the addition of only eleven runs. Principal architects in their demise were the Spin/Pace duet of Whale and Moyse, who helped themselves to three wickets apiece. With the lock at The Lamb barely pulled back we found ourselves partaking in various performance jugs, with the only surprise that Billy had not laid on a coach load of women
