Match Report
Sunday 29 August -v- Cooling at Sturdee Sports
After an early in the week cry off from Swanscombe, Spud was forced to play Russian roulette with the Fixture Bureau, hoping not to match up with the likes of Tenterden again. This time a rather less arduous trip took us on to the Isle of Grain to meet Cooling. Remarkably, considering the garbled directions given by the Nob we had assembled a complete team by 2.20pm.
When you get to play on grounds like this one you know you have arrived at the apex of your Cricketing career. Due to unforeseen trouble with pitch/mower/roller, their groundsman had prepared the strip with his garden strimmer; other personal touches were the DIY sightscreen and nets, courtesy of the local scaffolding company. All this on a patch of reclaimed marshland that is still under water for six months of the year, set against the swirling backdrop of the Industrial Thames. Spud had every right to fear for his personal safety. Another lost toss and we found ourselves padding up to bat. There was a strange reluctance for any potential openers to step forward to fill the vacancy provided by Chuckles desertion to the oppo, so the skip plucked up the courage to join Darkie at the crease. Mark, whose recent run of form, had left him low not only in runs but also in confidence, was bidding to kick-start his season after such early promise. On a pitch where even the variation was varied, survival was the general pre-requisite in the early stages. Spud achieved this with his usual polished defence, whilst Darkie relied on outrageous good fortune to keep his wicket intact. Mark was first to go, stumped attempting to wrap up the Ugly Shot Award, before any one else had really had a chance to show what they could do; his innings of 34 had to be witnessed to be believed! Tubby’s arrival at the wicket brought together the only other meaningful partnership of the innings. Dabbing and flicking, against a defensive field, the pair added another 39 runs to take the score through the hundred. Neil’s score of 21 included several ‘deliberately played’ shots through the slip cordon. Jimmy Hill was watching the game. Cooling’s defensive field prevented an avalanche of runs in the latter stages, as we meandered along quite merrily to 163 for 8. Spud after completing a patient fifty, wrested Darkie’s Ugly Shot Award, after his sweetly timed hook shot was inappropriately likened to a Steffi Graf backhand smash. He was finally out to the ultimate ball of the innings for 74.
Tea was taken in the caravan and was a splendid array of home cooked fare, well in keeping with the general ambience of the day. Cooling’s reply foundered against the accuracy of Silver Fox and the variable deliveries of Duckie Schultz, who slotted into the opening bowlers berth as if it were tailor-made for him. After the damage had been done, Cooling valiantly continued in their quest for a victory, which was at best improbable and at worst impossible. As generous visitors, we duly allowed the home side the enjoyment of some ‘runs as you please bowling’ from Softy and Lip, but even these most shitey of bowlers gained wicket reward. Dyslexic Ted proved there’s more to his game than awful batting, with a two wicket barrage that earned him ‘Bowler of the Day’.
Proceedings were curtailed by a rarely seen catch from The Fox off the equally rarely seen bowling of Tubby Clark. We were suitably entertained back at their local, where Spud unwisely offered his car keys to Limahl so he could celebrate his fifty in style and then realised that James was drinking Stella at a rapid rate. A forty minute outward journey became a twenty minute ordeal with terror, as we careered, seemingly out of control down dimly lit country lanes until safe deliverance to the Queens Head.
