Match Report
Sunday 28 April -v- Brasted Invicta at Valence School
The arrival of another season brought with it our usual scramble to find mugs willing if not necessarily able, to waft a lump of willow in the vague direction of a lump of leather clad cork. This years unfortunates came from the ranks of the Inland Revenue, courtesy of Billy Smarts reject Gordon, in the forms of Ian Brown and John Braithwaite. The addition to the ranks of Chris 'Fat and Slow' Wilsdon served to bolster a side still smarting from the absence of Slack Timms, who refused to play unless the oppo had shower facilities. Unusually we arrived in good time for the start and this undoubtedly had a derogative affect on our game. In true tradition we lost the toss and found ourselves asked to field. The regimental winter nets were soon paying dividend as Daz and Old B'stard slipped immediately into an inaccurate groove. Steve took a bit of hammer, mainly because his deliveries were somewhat nearer the stumps than Darren’s. The initial break through came through a lightning fast run out from Jim, fielding deep in -or was it under- the covers. Eventually Daz surprised us all with two straight balls and was promptly take off before he became too expensive. Jim was a waste of time, but you have to give him a go or he sulks. Realising that not enough fat people had bowled, the skip turned to Chris in an effort to turn the tide. Cleverly disguising his delivery hand beneath several layers of paunch, he produced seven portly overs that had the oppo in all sorts of bother and acquired his maiden wicket for the club with a ball that wallowed onto Nobbie Mayes off stump.
It was left to Ian and Spud to end proceedings, picking up two wickets a piece with the sort of bowling that was so successful for Darkie last year - shite ! All in all it was crap. Only Mark made any serious contribution to a reply that was pathetic. It is difficult to find a high spot amongst such a dour set of statistics, except perhaps, the sight of Darren packing the bag at the end of the game. In the Pub B’stard apart, the whole team congregated in the Stanhope to quaff some Greene King and discover where we had gone wrong. In Jim’s case getting up had been his biggest mistake, but for the rest of us there were more deep rooted problems to be resolved,' like who's round is it. Still we can’t get any worse - Can we?
Pen Pics
Gordie -Out to the sort of dubious LBW decision that he has been giving since his arrival at the club
Spud -Bowled like Mark -got two wickets. Fielded like Ken -got sore back. Batted like Boycott -got out
Danglers -Out to a ball that carried on in a straight line until connecting with his off stump -Didn’t have chance for boring. fifty
Darkie -Got excited when he ran someone out and was very upset when he ran himself out - Batted like a man possessed.
John -Joined the debutant-duck club and looked sharp in the field.
Ian -Took a bit of a tonking but managed to pick up a pair of wickets
Darth -Performed a couple of nice pirouettes and managed to get out of the way of a couple of catches. Now he has a bike he thinks he can drink lots and wear leather.
Fat -Wanted to bat out for the draw and then got out two balls later. Not enough in the back of his car.
Old -Had his rhythm interrupted by the opener constantly hitting him for fours and sixes, but protected his average with a fine 0 not out.
