Match Report
Sunday 10 July –v- Beechwood at Holly Bush Lane, Sevenoaks
With an air of confident expectancy we gathered at the Cricketers in eager preparation for battle with Beechwood. Unbelievably for the first time in living memory we arrived early and with nearly a full side. Were we taking it seriously or was the beer in the Elephants Head really that bad. Unfortunately on arrival at the ground we discovered that the vicar had changed the order of service and that we had been moved Holly Bush Lane. This delay restored a little pride in our record of late starting and general irritation of all oppositions. With the toss won for the second time this week, we asked Beechwood to bat.
Glenn and Darren opened impressively with the new ball and it wasn’t long before GT broke through removing the first of a long line of dickheads to arrive at the wicket. As usual we had huge slices of luck with the majority of runs arriving through the slips and generally behind the bat. The rest of the innings developed into a bind, with fine bowling from John Ditchburn and new boy Sam Ali receiving scant reward. Dean Belly scored a fine fifty which was heartily applauded by everyone and eventually they cross-batted their way to 208 all out, not before squeezing the last possible minutes from the clock. Having bored the arse off us for two and a half hours it was rapidly decided we would gain some form of revenge against a totally unreasonable declaration. After tea we set about the task of ensuring that we would never have to play this team of bumboys again. With batting inspired by the likes of G.Boycott and C.Tavare it looked for a while as if we might keep the score below double figures. Alas, Gordon batting extremely conservatively by his usual standards got an unfortunate edge over the slips to take us past ten. Umpires Timms and Whale were having a ball, revelling in the increasingly hostile atmosphere as it became apparent that we were not chasing the runs. Games of 'Who can walk in the slowest from square-leg?' and 'are you sure your guard is right' were played and laughter controlled at the frustrations of Dean 'Fat boy' Kelly and Timmykins 'spoiltbrat' Johnson. Unfortunately Mark became a little greedy in his quest for a maiden fifty and ran the hapless Gordon out. His dismissal was met with the sort of reception one would expect from a team of tedious shitheads. Gordon being the sporting chap he is made no response to an appalling lack of sportsmanship.
Next to appear was Darren, to play one of the most memorable innings in my recollection. His show of determined resilience almost certainly destroyed any prospect for a renewed fixture and for this he must be congratulated. With, Mark he put on 36 in an incredibly high number of balls, that received warm response from a thoroughly captivated audience. The latter stages of the game were marred by some attacking cricket that threatened to make the score respectable, with Mark succumbing to a ropey spinner allowing big Sam and Nell M to bolster the score. Fortunately Darren was able to utilise his share of the strike with a melee of non-scoring strokes that was poetry in motion. Sam and Neil must surely face an internal enquiry into their deliberate efforts to hit fours and sixes. The innings closed at 96-3; a slightly disappointing total in the circumstances.
Conversation was at a minimum, as we attempted to enjoy our post match drink with the oppo, most of who had gone home in an effort to achieve something pleasurable out of the day. Without exchanging too many pleasantries we rapidly moved on to the Bulls Head, where GT bought the first of his many owed jugs. Steve was looking very chummy with, John Walshe in the gents and Karen was looking very uncomfortable. Eventually Steve surfaced with a smile on his face and a spring in his step.
Pen Pictures
Mark Paine - Top scored with a career best 40. Far too many really
Gordon Schultz - Three more catches to go top of the buckets, despite many complaints and rubbing of hands
Darren Moyse - Still in the Bulls Head at 10.30 - * 80 minutes - 68 balls - 3 runs! Must learn to control his attacking and Gay tendencies
Sam Ali - Showed signs of training at the Gordon Schultz Academy of Batting in an impressive debut
Neil Morrison - A career best 24 including a big six - Still thought victory was on with 122 needed in the last six overs
John Ditchburn - Braved the flu to play and must have wished he hadn’t - bowled well to take a brace of wickets.
Glenn Timms - Another jug! - Got hemmed in at the bar by Simon’s timely arrival at Bull.
Kevin Gibson - Attempted to make peace with the vicar in the Rose and Crown and looked on in dismay
Neil Chapman - Was seen talking to Dean Kelly and must expect severe reprisals at Shooters Hill next week.
Steve Martin - Didn’t bowl, didn’t bat, didn’t drink, and didn’t wear his suit. Steve contributed virtually nothing to the day’s proceedings.
Spud Whale - Bowled a tight over just when it was needed, to put the break on rapidly escalating total - thoroughly enjoyed himself watching all the oppo nob-endies getting the hump.
ANDY SPEAK UPDATE
She's got some breathing gear - She has Large Breasts.
