Match Report
Sunday 17 May –V- Royal Park at Poverest
On the kind of day when Noah was probably racing off to his local DIY store for a supply of timber, the Gay Crusaders (as foolhardy and optimistic as ever), handicapped by a collection of has-beens, hangovers and assorted hangers-on trooped down to Orpington for their first home match of the season.
Captain Spud, anxious to maintain the teams' undefeated record announced a pre-match alcohol limit of two pints per person in 'The Cricketers', which was promptly ignored by everybody (including Spud!) From the pub it was a short drive rally-cross style (handbrake turns and all) to the ground where passers-by could easily have been mistaken for thinking that they were witnessing a chapter from an Enid Blyton story (except that in this particular tale there were five kids and one dog.) The dog (Kez by name), one of the numerous Morrison clan, provided the pre-match entertainment - giving a virtuoso display of solo mud-wrestling in a particularly nasty puddle, everyone being so absorbed by its antics that even the usual Australian Rules silly-business went by the board (besides, the kids had nicked the ball!)
As Clare, Maureen and Karen sussed out the kitchen the rest of the motley crew checked out the changing rooms and the match began.
With the Crusaders front line bowling left somewhat depleted by recent departures to America, it was left to good ole Glenn Timms and Spud Whale to smash through the opposition’s' opening batsmen, as we fielded first.
The fielding, it must be said, was not up to its usual standard with only 7 Crusader regulars and 3 poor sods that’d been press-ganged into playing, looking distinctly lost in the outfield. Ian Morrison and Ron (33) Bould played a wonderful combination of football, rugby, formation dancing and precious little cricket on the boundary and Dave Fry must have wished that he'd stayed at home nursing his hangover and cleaning the fish out (he might have stayed a little drier if he had.) Nevertheless a superb 5 for 45 from Glenn ‘the team' Timms and a crap (his words not mine) 4 for 52 from Spud saw the opposition all out for 107 (but for the weather a seemingly hopeless target for the Crusaders batsmen.) The tea interval was taken early when the heavens opened and it pissed with rain.
It was still pissing it down when Royal Park, keen to sink the Crusaders, took to the field and our two openers grudgingly left the relative warmth of the tea-urn in the kitchen and paddled out to the wicket.
The Crusaders batsmen didn't last too long, returning to the pavilion in quick succession until the totally unspectacular score of 21 for 5 was reached. The only moment of drama worth mentioning was a Dennis Compton-style run out in which poor old Mark Paine was left doing a rather stunning backstroke mid-wicket whilst at the other end Stewart Boss was still adjusting his anti-chlorine goggles!
Mercifully, the weather was on our side and following cries of ‘this is very silly’ and ‘the pubs are open soon’ from the spectators, Royal Park finally conceded that there was little point in continuing. A moral victory for Royal Park maybe but it also extended the Crusaders record to 4 matches without defeat.
A quick fix of Australian Rules (and wacky baccy!) revitalised the team and it wasn't only the ball that floated over the bowling green (Andy Paul was there as well!) The instigator of the run-out, Stuart Boss, did a rapid disappearing act, nipping off to wash his kit and avoid a lynching led by Mark Paine. Brian Tennant stood nonchalantly by giving the impression that he was totally bombed-out (and I thought he was a nice boy)
The rest of the team retired to the pub for a post mortem on the match and much needed liquid refreshment - a large quantity was consumed.
Other Details
Glenn Timms - managed a grand total of 2 runs but made up for it with bowling figures of 5 for 45. He also showed great skill in keeping the score even managing to work out the name of one of the opposition’s bowlers - Patel
Spud Whale - 8 not out (second highest score next to extras)
Andy Paul - floated delicately over the wicket and managed one run.
Stuart Boss - 4 not out (now rumoured to be in exile in Russia)
Mark Paine - 2 run out (saving up to get a flight to Russia)
Neil Morrison – His fielding improving - batting needs some attention.
Dave Fry - poor lad, cold wet miserable and hung over.
Brian Tennant - far out man!
Ian Morrison and Ron Bould - made a lovely couple
