Match Report
Sunday June 7 –v- Brasted Invicta at Poverest
Reporter: Andy Paul
On yet another day when I could be watching Worzel Gummidge, I was dragged out to play cricket for the Gay Crusaders, via The Cricketers. From the pub, it was the usual drive, a la Rodger Clark style, to the ground, where a half handbrake turn brought the car to a stop and caused wild convulsions of Glenn Timms' sphincter muscles. At the ground, we had to change in the open air as the park keeper was still in the pub and then await the arrival of the opposition.
Eventually things got underway and we batted. Out strode both openers and straight away you could tell that these boys had played before, especially the no 2 bat. Runs flew majestically from the bat, to all corners of the ground, until the first wicket fell-unluckily I thought-with the score on 38 or thereabouts can’t remember. Stewart Boss walked out, trying his damndest to run Steve Lewis out, without luck, before being caught. Glenn wasted his time and my time putting his pads on, scoring only 8!! Pah.
Steve Martin knocked up an impressive 25 runs before tea was taken, with the score a huge 194-3. Oh by the way Steve Lewis scored a fluky 100 n.o. A rather spiffing tea was laid on, except there were no banana sandwiches. Two of the team disappeared to indulge in an exotic cigarettes and came back rolling their eyes like billy-o. G.T. still had the cheek to claim he had not yet left earth’s atmosphere. Straight away Brasted were determined to keep us out of the pub and bat for as long, as possible. Steve Lewis and Barry 'Chrome-top' Warne opened the bowling, taking three and two wickets respectively, before boredom set in with the game regularly interrupted to watch the Biggin Hill Air display and discuss aerodynamics. Glenn Timms took two more wickets, until mercifully, the game finished with Brasted on 95-7,not before he had been warned-by the bald umpire with the pipe and silly bike on his nose- to stop bowling bouncers or he would "Offer the light to the batsmen". What a nob endie- the batsman wasn’t even smoking.
The team eventually ended up in the Bulls Head, where a silly game of pontoon was played in which everyone cheated and got really pissed - Well a few.
Pen Pictures
Steve Lewis -Scored a streaky ton and took three wickets (Yawn)
Andy Paul -Best player on the field without exception - got the hump about the lack of banana sandwiches.
Stuart Boss - A bit upset as he didn’t run anyone out this week
Glen Timms - What a bad player. He should be dropped.
Steve Martin - Scored 25 runs. Not bad for an OAP.
Barry Chrome-Top - Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Neil Morrison - Good cheat at cards and supplied booze -great lad
Spud Whale –Ha! When will he learn to bowl?
Neil Chapwoman - not really interested in cricket - more into jolly naughty botty pranks with his chums.
