Match Report
Sunday 5 July –v- Eagle Star at Poverest
Conditions: Hot & Humid: Pitch: Green & Hard: Uncut & Variable Crusaders: Unhealthy & Drunk: Opposition: Very Healthy & Fast
The usual gathering at the Cricketers at 1 O'clock - don't know who was there, because in true Crusader style turned up late, but not as late as Duckie Schultz or Wasim Imran Yousuf Mudassar Javed Zaheer Salim Abdul Hanif Intikhab Ramiz Paul (obviously held up at his corner shop).
Left the pub with only half the side present, but were to find Bottom Bandit, Silver Fox and The Mouth of the South (S. Boss) already at the ground. A unique warm-up - no sign of footy anywhere (probably lost up Mark's Botty, along with Danny whose been missing since the first game).
The oppo arrived, sporting Club T. Shirts (hope we get ours soon - but hard luck Kevin not one big enough for you old chap). They quickly changed and looked keen to start, while we were still messing around -so no change there.
Spud as usual these days lost the toss - obviously something to do with what Clare's feeding him. They decided to bat and bat and bat they certainly did, amassing a total of 255 for 5, the second worst against the club. The bowling was pretty rank and the fielding atrocious. Not a lot can be said about their innings except S. Lewis had joined the Heading Club with other notables S. Whale and S. Boss. Other incidents were a few lost balls and a fair few extras.
At 5.15 after Mr Clayton had reached his 100 tea was taken. Tea being taken late meant we had a chance of drawing the match.
The most memorable part of the match was about to unfold especially for the two openers (who needed a change of underpants) and the two umpires who seemed to revel in their discomfort. After the first four overs had been bowled, the openers - Paine and Lewis had got over their discomfort and now, just looked uneasy. In the seventh over Paine trying to cut the ball between 4th slip and gully played on a la David Gower style. After Paine departed Lewis did all he could not to face M. Marshall sorry L. Thomas (easily mistaken) but all he ended up doing was getting either two's or four's (Thank you Stuart). The partnership blossomed as they quickly notched up a fifty partnership (a fifty partnership between S. Lewis and extras) Lewis was now looking in full swing with some majestic cover drives, but unfortunately a slight lapse in concentration lost him his wicket and all hopes of victory were dashed. In came Lobster Paul who was in the mood to dispatch the ball to all parts of the ground. He played a lofted shot over the bowler’s head which earned him four runs and in the course of running between the wickets - there came a nonchalant Steve Ovett style wave. This mostly uncontrolled innings came to an end when he was stumped while dancing up the wicket - the Tango I think.
At the wicket now were Steve "The Silver Fox" Martin and Neil "Bottom Bandit" Chapman, who remained at the wicket up until the last over when "BB" was bowled after the tenth bounce. In stepped Jim "I smell cricket boxes and pretend to be Darth Vader" Clements and he proceeded to warm up for the launching of the next Space Shuttle with his second massive six in two innings. So a well earned draw was the result and we didn't need to rely on S. Whale, N. Morrison, B. Warne and Gordon "Duckie" Schultz.
Neil "BB" Chapman was soaked yet again and received a ripped shoe. Then we retired to the Bull's Head, a silly old game of cards was played and after half an hour or so we were down to three; a very disgraceful showing at the pub and I think that the eight members who left early should be put before the Disciplinary Committee.
Pen Pictures
Paine - Lack of Cricket showed in his play, should do something about Danny.
Boss – Was very lethargic in the field - obviously suffering from sunstroke, especially with the size of his head.
Paul - Should try and close the shop earlier.
Martin – Has yet to be out at Poverest -bowling improving and in line for most promising youngster.
Chapman. N - Was looking worried with the absence of his turdburgler friends to boost his confidence!
Whale - Going for the catching record - still room for improvement Spudkin.
Clements - Likes to hit the ball hard and is after the part of Darth Vader in Star Wars IV.
Morrison - Provided no liquid refreshment - bastard.
Schultz - Good job for us he didn't bat.
Warne - Was only used to give mirror signals with his "chrome-top" to the umpires to let them know how many overs were left.
