Match Report
Sunday 12 July –v- Beechwood at Knole Paddock
Reporter: Gary Chapman
We turned up in the unusual position of being sober due to the early start of the match. The pubs were not open early so this was the first setback of the day. It is Crusaders tradition to go on to the pitch with a minimum of 3 pints consumed so this was obviously a bad start. Although several people did look drunk, such as Neil Morrison (or is it just the way he walks). As usual Spud lost the toss, which left us with the unenviable task of fielding first on a wicket which looked so black it must have been on a coal seam.
The first difference in the teams was immediately noticeable. Beechwood were wearing their smart new shirts courtesy of their £500 sponsorship deal, while Crusaders looked like a mixed bunch of tramps and drunkards. When will Andy Paul ever wear a white cricket shirt and when will Steve Lewis find a shirt big enough to fit him.
In true Crusaders style we started with only 8 men. The strain of getting up so early had obviously affected Andy Paul who forgot to pick up Bill Webb. In retrospect this was the best decision of the day, because surely Bill Webb is more of a liability on the field than off.
In the opening period there was some excellent bowling by Doug Read who was well supported by Timms and Whale. The ball was put down several times in this time although there were some marvellous efforts made. In about the 10th over Bill Webb in attempting to run out Dean Kelly from 5 yards away managed to miss the stumps by 10 yards. In doing so he tried to remove Dean (Lard) Kelly's head. In 6 hours of cricket this was the only thing Bill Webb did right. Possibly he was modelling himself on Danny as they both have similar beards and they are both about as much use to cricket as Steve Lewis is to ballroom dancing. Read followed this by getting a shortish ball to hit Mr Kelly on the box resulting in a change of voice from tenor to soprano. Finally Kelly was out to a splendid slip catch by Lewis. Johnson followed with a fine cavalier 50 only to be dismissed by a quite magnificent catch by Gary Chapman off Timms. This led us to the entry of Keith Makin who comes a close second to Alf 'remove those dog turds' Kearns in the Crusaders popularity stakes. Keith looks like a convicted murderer with his dark skin, stubble and shifty eyes. He unfortunately managed to play some short-pitched bowling quite well. Hopefully we will have more luck with Alf Kearns. Although he took a superb catch the wicket-keeper's challenge for Bruce French's place in the next test was rapidly diminishing.
Rumours were rife that a fair bit of Beechwood's £500 sponsorship money had found its way into Mr Chapman's back pocket in order to enable the sponsor’s son to get a century. Tony Burt finally reached what was an excellent ton after about two and a half hours at the crease.
Soon after, one of the most controversial incidents of the day happened. Glen Timms may well be hauled before the M.C.C. disciplinary committee for his 'Harvey Smith' salute to Keith Makin. Tony Burt continued to take everyone apart especially Steve Lewis who bears a most remarkable resemblance to a 2 tonne elephant on his delivery stride. Dean Kelly caused problems for the batsmen because, when umpiring he managed to obscure the sight screens. He turned to jelly even more after some of Glen 'Hadlee' Timms appeals for L.B.W. The fact that one would have hit the base of the middle stump still left Kelly unmoved. Spud's field—positioning philosophy was alternative to say the least. Lets save the single and give them a four instead was the order of the day.
At tea there was little prospect of winning so the important thing was to stay around until the pubs opened. Paine & Lewis did not last long in spite of some very tame bowling. The scoreboard ticked along slowly until Dean Kelly wobbled into bowl. A number of terrible strokes followed and soon he had picked up five wickets. On bowling Glen Timms he let out a Botham whoop of delight and almost castrated himself when he jumped over the stumps.
Kevin Gibson could not continue his high scoring of recent weeks and managed only 1 on the scoreboard but 7.2 on the Richter scale after running a single. The only two notable innings were Timms 50 and Gordon 'Duckie' Schultz highest score for us which totalled 5. Bill Webb batted with as much skill as Danny but he did beat Danny's highest career score by four runs after hitting a boundary.
By this stage Andy Paul was having withdrawal symptoms, having missed out on a lunchtime session down the pub, so he threw his wicket away for the sake of a pint. We were all out for 131 which was a pretty poor effort considering the high quality of our team.
We retired to the pub after the match but both teams kept separate in case of any after match violence.
Pen Pictures
Lewis - In every bunch of roses there is always a prick.
Paine - Millwall supporter - Enough said
Chapman. G - Bruce French is in extreme danger of losing his place to this wicket-keeper extraordinaire.
Read - After a spell of superb bowling he let us down by not removing Keith Makin's head. Never mind there is always Alf Kearns.
Timms - Acts like Peter Shilton in the slips. He's worth a million pounds to us.
Schultz - Looks like Malcolm Marshall, plays like Bill Webb.
Whale - Another one who acts like Peter Shilton but only Clare would pay any money for him.
Gibson - Less singing, more scoring.
Webb - Looks like Danny, plays like Danny.
Paul - I didn't know he had played until someone gave me the scorebook in the evening.
Morrison - Should take up photography instead.
Karen - On seeing the umpire signal a leg bye, she turned round to Neil and said "look at that funny man with the itchy leg".
