Match Report
Sunday 26 July -v- Shooters Hill at Brookmead, New Eltham
With the prospect of playing Shooters Hill twice in consecutive weeks, skip was surprised to have compiled a full eleven by Tuesday evening. At two o'clock in the Beehive however, his pessimistic outlook to the game might have seemed justified with a scant seven Crusaders present. The notable absentees - Steve 'Ton machine’, Mark 'Girlie' Paine and Stuart 'One there' Boss finally arrived, hot on the heels followed ace bat Jim 'Big Six' Clements, much to the relief of a nervously smoking skip. After a series of strange hand gestures in front of the trousers, aimed at a rather attractive barmaid, the team made the short journey to the ground. On the way we debated hitting Alf's van with cricket bats, but then Alf himself arrived, so we debated hitting him instead. Having discovered that Shooters Hill was using the Girls changing room (to Alf’s obvious amusement), we opted for the boys, where various connotations of tossing up were discussed and in some cases graphically described.
For only the second time this year the toss was won and on a spongy wicket Shooters Hill were put into bat. Lewis and Warne opened confidently and in Barry's first over Harper, making a guest appearance, snapped up a fine catch to send Kearns back to the pavilion for a duck. Eventually the loud Indian Chanting noises abated and we were aware that Mark Baker had arrived at the wicket. Not to be outdone, Steve, resembling a crazed donkey, cut one back to bowl Baker behind his legs and reduce our oppo to 5 for 2. Wickets continued to fall with alarming regularity and indeed word must have filtered through to Biggin Hill, as several fly pasts were hastily arranged for spectators to get a fleeting glimpse of the spectacle. The batsmen had no answer to Warne's variation between the absurd and the totally ridiculous and the long hops of Lewis. Eventually the skip could stand no more and brought himself and the SilverFox in to the attack to finish a very long tail. Only Vigus (50) caught by Da 'Wonkyknee' Clements (at last) offered any resistance to the accurate attack and the innings closed at 93 all out. The failure of the outside caterers to materialise meant that Steve, as Darkie Paine was too scared, had to endure several Mark Baker overs before tea was taken. The team proposed several unprintable motions as to what we would like to do to the tea lady. Unrefreshed and still ravenously hungry Steve and Andy put away their books and returned to the crease. Andy supplied the crowd with more entertainment, with the now customary Steve Ovett wave, before getting bored when the drugs wore off. Stuart continued the good work and steered the score to 71, before a loss of concentration after seeing a young semi-clad girlie on the boundary got him bowled. Jim and the two Neil's did their best to turn victory in to defeat and ensure Mr Smith returned good figures, before an old grey haired gentleman accompanied Steve to the necessary runs. Steve, with the help of charitable fielding, from Kevin's cousin Big Ca, slipped, slid and full length dived his way to eanother boring fifty.
Alf, who had remained calm and collected throughout the game, suddenly with the scores level, felt his side were still in with a chance and made several alterations to his field placings, before Steve despatched the next ball out of the ground. The skipper taking victory t nonchalantly in his stride pulled several head over heels and beat the ground with his fists making loud whooping noises, before shaking hands with Alf and agreeing what a good game (and all that) it was.
Fortunately the bar opened early, so we stayed and talked loudly.
After a couple of hours of this and a refusal to buy any of Alf's lotto tickets, we retired to The Bull.
Pen Pictures
Paul - Had obviously made a pact with most of their fielders not to catch him.
Lewis -Did not wear any silly clothes.
Boss - Who needs Glen Timms when we've got this man?
Schultz - Did not get hit by the ball for the first time this season
Clements - Blamed dodgy knee for dropped catch and didn’t hit a six
Morrison – Only conceded four byes -Shame he can’t bat to save his life.
Martin - Joined the silly haircut club and was not out again.
Paine - How does this man take wickets? If anyone has any ideas can they let me know?
Whale - Another class display of bowling on his most enjoyable day of the season -two more catches - Hard luck Steve.
Warne - Stayed in the safety of the umpires coat but the brown stain still showed through.
Gibson.K - Seemed to enjoy dropping Dave Vigus immensely, despite it costing us forty runs. Warmed up nicely for some opera singing in the bar
