Match Report
Crusaders Tour of Dorset 31st July -3rd August
Friday 31 July
The eight o'clock meet was completely ignored by the Youth Team Section as normal, who showed up ten minutes after lanky Glenn McMahon, but were forgiven with discovery of 36 pints of Sam Smith and several cans of Aussie Lager stowed away in the back of Big Boy Brian's car. After a spot of banter and T-Shirt handouts we departed The Bull and drove for about an hour, before stopping at a pub on the Hogs Back, where pints of various liquids were drunk, while the skip made desperate phone calls to ensure we had beds to sleep in. Knowing we had the assurance of accommodation we journeyed on and did our best not to lose Brian, who was using delaying tactics in the hope that he could worm out of playing in the first fixture. We finally arrived from various directions to be greeted by the landlady of the Tenby Guest House, who took five of the party. The remainder of the party continued to the Sherwood Hotel, where, after a Sam Smith chaser and a shot for Neil, who had been dropping off Clare and Karen, we finally laid to rest.
Saturday 1 August
After a light breakfast we convened on Southbourne beach for a lively game of Aussie Rules. The game as usual degenerated in to open beach warfare with Neil Chapman occasionally being mistaken for the ball and regularly being deposited into the sea by Mr Lewis. Neil attempted several 'ducking' reprisals against Steve L and Neil M but only succeeded in holding their hands under with the top of his head. Barry had already proven his use to the side by perusing the local hostelry. After a quick wash we realised it was past opening time, so headed for The Malt and Hops, where we gathered our thoughts for the afternoon fixture. Various bottom-burp inducing burgers were eaten to accompany some excessive ale drinking, with the skip seemingly powerless to stop his team getting totally arsed, before we moved to the Five Ways to wait for our reliable host and his team. Eventually we taxied to Meyrick Park and tried to take the game seriously. This was proving difficult as half the team was doing convincing impressions of spaced-out, drunks in no fit state for a game of cricket.
Saturday 1 August -v- Lloyds Bowmakers at Meyrick Park, Bournemouth
Lloyds Bowmakers’ batted first, with the first wicket falling in the third of Barry Warne’s fiery spell, when a very good batsman couldn’t cope with the late swing and gave the normally butterfingered Spud a simple catch at gully. The runs began to flow and eventually that tricky bowler Wane was replaced by Spud Whale, who along with Steve Lewis proceeded to cause a collapse of massive proportions. Steve took three well deserved wickets whilst Spud picked up six lucky ones, bowling an assortment of full tosses and long hops. The most ridiculous sight of all was Spud bowling long hops at Bill Webb claiming that they were quick bouncers even thought the ball always sailed wide of the off stump at chest height. It must also be noted that Webb’s innings was a model of ineptitude and luckily for him he achieved eight easy runs off Spud’s abysmal bowling, before Steve dismissed him.
The home innings finally totalled 123 and we were confident of a nine wicket victory, with Andy Paul out for nought and Glenn and Steve supplying the necessary runs. We were however to be disappointed, as inept batting reduced us to something like 25-6. A buzz was heard from the pavilion as Spud walked to the crease and the rest is history. Spud batted superbly for us on the day to top score with a chanceless innings of 24, but it was not enough, despite a spirited knock from Mark Paine. Eventually we were dismissed for just 71 – well beaten. The question we must ask ourselves is – How on earth does Spud manage to keep getting wickets?
A further fleet of taxis was ordered and we headed for Poole, with no one showing particular concern for our disappointing showing against Webby's outfit. After several more pints, Kevin treated the packed quayside to a fine rendition of 'I once had a Gay Pair of Cobblers' - or at least that's what it sounded like and Mark amused a group of locals and amazed some foreign students with the various uses of a featherlite sheath. (I didn’t know you could catch Aids like that anyway) Having got cheesed off with the service in The Lord Nelson, we moved inland to The Crown, where a despicable plot to douse Barry with lager was hatched – the Six involved will remain nameless.
At kicking out time we headed for the local Curry House and despite Andy seeming to know the proprietor personally, were not proffered a warm welcome – apparently they are not all called Joe Daki. Fortunately the Chippy/Kebab House seemed to welcome manner-less drunkards and good fare was had by all. Re-invigorated, a game of High Street Rugby Union was organised, using Makker’s shoe as the ball. Inevitably there were casualties - mainly from some heavy-weight challenges from Kev G. Play was briefly interrupted after a Brian Tennant ‘up and under’ found its way on to a Burger Bar Roof. While Spud and Kev debated the merits of squeezing in a double Cheeseburger, efforts were made to retrieve ‘the ball’. Brian, expecting reprisals from Lofty watched on anxiously until it was successfully dislodged. With the evening drawing to a close Spud had just enough time to agitate some disgruntled Coventry Fans, returning from Charity Shield misery, leaving several Crusaders behind at the Taxi Rank to face the consequences. Unfortunately no one got their heads kicked in.
