Match Report
Tuesday 7th June –v- DAES LB Greenwich at Avery Hill Park (Ray Willis Trophy)
As usual organisation was at a premium as the skip discovered only three present on his arrival at the ground. Rumour had it that they were holed up in a nearby pub fearing violent reprisals over their choice of name for the competition. Having forfeited the toss due to late arrival, the skip was relieved to be asked to bat, in the knowledge that his five available players had the character to bat out until the cavalry arrived.
Neil C fresh from a strenuous day in the examination classroom, responded magnificently to the skip’s orders lasting out a hair-raising three balls before temptation to hit one became too great and the inevitable skier was graciously accepted by the fielder. Fortunately Gordon and Steve -who had mistaken the event for a bad taste party arriving, dressed as a 1970’s banker- rallied the situation, until the casual arrival of the rest of the team. Gordon’s relief was obvious as he immediately got out allowing the skip to do some damage. A solid partnership -marred by disorderly elements in the crowd- took the score to 56, before Steve was bowled by Mr Patel, who had arranged for Andy Paul to mind his late night shop in order to play. Steve’s demise brought the 'honeymoon boy' to the wicket, which coincided with D.A.E.S. introducing two new bowlers in the shape of L. Onghop and F. Ulltoss. From then on runs were gathered at a rapid pace, with Neil M, Mark, Simon and Steve making quick-fire contributions, backed by a solid 61 from the skip. The innings closed on 137-8. Little did the small group of intrigued onlookers know what a feast of entertainment was in store for them in the second session of play? The rarely seen opening attack of 'The two Neil’s' failed to produce the fireworks the skip had expected and only fielding of the highest quality by Mark and Darren ensured neither got a wicket. Once more it was down to the skip to break up a flourishing partnership, as with a panther like pounce and throw he ran out an old man suffering a major coronary somewhere in the middle of his second run. A tactical change brought Simon into the attack and it was obvious he was going to give little away. The first ball of his spell produced a fine catch from Neil C, who was then mercilessly beaten as we realised the implications of Simon taking a wicket. John D operating from his shortened run up at the other end decided not to appeal or run any one out as he had understood the game to be a social friendly; what a credit to sport this man is. Andy having shut up early was severely reprimanded by Mr Patel, who proceeded to cart him round the field as punishment for loss of trade. Steve M and Andy were rapidly replaced as the game seemed to be slipping away. Gordon having spotted the return of the Billy Smart’s talent scout, reinforced his prospects as a juggler. A bizarre twist was added to an action packed plot with the arrival of an agitated LBG Park Keeper, who insisted that we stop, as he couldn’t cope with the intense excitement of the game. Being the considerate side we are, we naturally obliged without complaint leaving only one question unanswered. What is the result??? Have we won, drawn or lost? Stay tuned for the next gripping instalment of 'Gay Crusaders do it midweek’.
STOP PRESS
TCCB to call enquiry into five man Gay Crusaders.
Avery Hill Park Keeper knocked off his cycle by wild revellers. Eyewitnesses recall a tanned lunatic in a blue car speeding from the scene of the crime.
Having been invited to the Falcon for an after match pint, we arrived only to a baited Fishing Rod outside some firmly shut doors – we had been reeled in. We moved to the Bull via The Greyhound for well deserved refreshment.
Pen pictures
Andy Paul – Released in time to bowl, from his uncle’s corner shop – produced the delivery of the day - a three bounce yorker to dismiss the oppo’s skipper and with it dispel all DAES notions that we were a team of ringers.
Neil Chapman - Helped Andy to convince the oppo that we are not a team of ringers. May I take this opportunity to wish Neil well in his A Levels and hope that he gets a university place at Aberdeen or somewhere even further away!
Steve Martin - Went to great lengths in, beating Steve L in the bad taste stakes and then shared in a valuable partnership with the skip to leave him second top score on 29.
Gordon Schultz - Entertainer extraordinaire! - Club will struggle to keep talents of this man, under the threat of high money transfer interest from Billy Smart’s, Chipperfields and an Iron Curtain bid from the Moscow State Circus.
Neil Morrison - Returned from honeymoon looking fit (has he ever!) - Pity it didn’t rub off on his cricket - wanted by police for incident involving a council Park Keeper.
John Ditchburn - Scored a run - Bowling straight from an MCC text book had the batsmen in real trouble but was too polite to appeal for plum LBW’s. - took the friendly aspect of the game too far deliberately not running oppo players out much to the amusement of umpire Shakoor Rana at square leg.
Simon Grater - Had immediate success with his opening delivery due to a fine catch from Neil C and then eased off to play his normal game. A tighter display of bowling one will rarely see.
Mark Paine - Made quick-fire contribution late in the game - with the help of Neil tried to out clown Gordon but gave it up as an impossible job - Dropped another dolly catch and did his usual sulk for the rest of play - Tried to exact sympathy from the rest of the team but received none.
Steve Lewis - The arrival of Chessington Zoo keepers to capture a reported Rhino on the loose interrupted play for a short while. Officials were satisfied that it was a false alarm after they had seen Steve running around in the field - Bowled accurately to quash hopes of a DAES fight back.
Darren Moyse - Sulked a bit cos he didn’t get a bat. Dropped an even bigger dolly than Mark but then we all realised it was off Neil C’s bowling so he was heartily congratulated – bowled a series of long hops and slow beamers in an attempt to lose the game and then complained the pitch was too long in an effort to explain the carting he was getting.
Spud Whale – Batted throughout serious crowd disturbance and led by example
