Match Report
Monday 21st June –v- Wheres Me Giro (Treasurers Dept) at Avery Hil Park (Ray Willis Trophy)
Well I never we started late again. As per norm we forfeited the formality of losing the toss and were put in by some arrogant bastard who incurred my immediate dislike. With the friendly Park Keeper again on duty we hastily reduced the game to fifteen eight ball overs. The oppo looked like a mix of moonlighters and general scumbags, despite supposedly representing the Treasury Department – now I know why my wages are always wrong.
Once again we looked towards Steve L to give us a solid start (He looks more solid every week). This time he was accompanied by Glenn Mac, who has recently rediscovered the form of those halcyon days when he represented a threat to the most fearsome of attacks. Unfortunately both departed in quick succession, scoring three apiece and so it was left to Gordon (playing like he fears his life) and Timms, presently heavily into wearing ladies underwear, to rescue the total. This they duly did with Gordon in particular revealing his undoubted talent- Well I never doubted it. Together they added forty runs before Rana McMahon intervened with a dubious LBW decision to remove Glen. From then on it was the usual melee of runs and awful calling that seems to plague all Crusaders exploits. The run rate slightly increased but wickets fell at a similar rate until the innings closed at 98-8; Gordon our main contributor with 42 and Glenn Mc ensuring that he is never let loose in an umpires coat again. With the oppo looking keen, it was again necessary to put an early break on scoring to ensure our rate was not surpassed, before the inevitable intervention from our mate the Parky. Darren, Glen and Steve took the responsibility and duly whittled the oppo to 26-5, before the skip was able to bring on his more attacking bowlers for the kill. There was none more attacking than Mark, who after softening them up with a few short ones produced a ball to match Andy’s of last week. With an ambling run up he brought forth the holy hand grenade and lobbeth it down in commando style to wither the most hardened of defences and splay the stumps. New boy Pete and Steve had problems with line and length, but kept the oppo under the hammer until the skip produced his next trump card in the unlikely form of Simon. Farcical overs from Glenn Mc and Neil C were then endured before the Park Keeper got in on the act. The skip then decided enough was enough and finished the proceedings with a ball that could only be described as a 'pitchingmovedofftheseamswungintheairyorker! At least that’s how Glen T would have seen it.
We dispensed all together with the idea of inviting the oppo for an after match drink and headed instead for the Bulls Head for refreshment. Here several club competitions were debated and venues forwarded. A few drinks later we departed for our abodes.
Pen Pictures
Steve Lewis - Attempted to wrest back his bad taste title by wearing shocking green and white moccasins - Was winning comfortably until Steve M’s arrival -Joined the select few to have been out before Glenn McMahon
Gordon Schultz - Finally got his just deserts with a fluent 42 -Developed a new trick of flattening the stumps before he’s even got the ball.
Glen Timms - Seems to have been convinced that he is not a born again Nigel Hatch and has reverted back to successful pace bowing - Backed Gordon in best stand of the match.
Mark Paine - Produced the now notorious non pitching swinging yorker and has obviously studied the art of bullshit at GT’s school.
Pete Stepp - Played and looked nothing like Neil Morrison - Thank goodness.
Neil Chapman - Doesn’t look like Neil M but quite often plays like him - Good to see him getting sound beatings again.
Spud Whale - Once again produced. a measured piece of captaincy - The victim of Rana McMahon’s second dreadful decision.
Simon Grater - The only duck of the day.
Darren Moyse - Bowled like a caged animal? Ran me out and later admitted (in confidence) to having gay tendencies.
Steve Martin - Pulled off the hat-trick by virtue of the brown suit - So overawed by the award that he could not concentrate on his game.
ANDY SPEAK For those unfortunate to become involved in a conversation with Andy Pau1 there now follows a short guide to his little known language.
DICTIONARY OF MOST USED WORDS AND THEIR MEANINGS
Lamp or Goosey - to look Lid - a hat Bike - a pair of spectacles Norris,Norbert,Wilf - any fairly normal looking character Ark at it - look at him/her Spam - receding or complete lack of hair Ralph or Bark - to be sick
This short list of words and meanings will form the basis of any conversation with Andy as illustrated below in a typical conversation.
ANDY: Take a lamp at that Norbert with the lid and the bike on his nose. TRANSLATION: Look at that fairly normal character with the hat and glasses,
As most people would have had trouble making a reply Andy would have continued in this sort of vein.
ANDY: Ark at it, the Norris with the spam. Doesn’t he make you want to bark. TRANSLATION: Look at that fairly normal character with the balding head .Does he make you want to be sick? If you are fortunate Andy may go away, upset at the lack of response however if he persists-- it may be necessary to buy him a large port to put him to sleep. Expensive maybe! But after several hours of this you will realise it was the correct course of action.
WARNING When accompanying Andy in public (particularly restaurants) be careful bringing him in to contact with bald men, as his shout of SPAM is often backed by some violent slapping on the bare patch; action which is likely to offend or at worst lead to a fight in which Andy will be conspicuous by his absence.
